MPC 4th March 2007.
March 4 - Proverbs 21:1-19 - "Domestic Disaster"
Phil Campbell MPC 4th March 2007.
There is a house in the ancient city of Jerusalem where all hell is breaking loose.
There is a house in the ancient city of Jerusalem where the children are running riot. Absolutely undisciplined. They yell. They scream. They throw tantrums until they get what they want. And nobody lifts a finger to stop them. Because there's nothing anyone can do.
There's a house in the ancient city of Jerusalem where the wife lives with a constant sense sadness. Because the husband she exchanged marriage vows with those years before no longer seems interested. He doesn't listen. He doesn't look. His eyes are on other women instead. And every time he has the chance he's spending time with the woman down the road with the loose reputation. And the passion that was there in the past, it's all but gone. Snuffed out like a candle.
There's a house in the ancient city of Jerusalem where the husband is driven to distraction by the nagging of his wife. It seems she's never satisfied. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, she's never content. She wants him to earn more. She wants him to fix the house. She wants him to get promoted. And she's constantly, constantly nagging. To the point where he just switches off. And in his mind is daydreaming about the woman down the road. With the loose reputation.
That's the house that's under the spotlight in the book of Proverbs. With some very practical advice. It may in some instances be something like your house. Or maybe it's not. Proverbs never promised to describe every situation. Or every solution. Just to show you what wisdom looks like when you find it. So let's visit. And see what we can learn.
We'll start with the wife.
There's a note of optimism before we get started. Because in spite of what we're going to see in the next few minutes, marriage is a great blessing from God. Proverbs 18 verse 22.
He who finds a wife finds what is good., and receives favour from the Lord. (18:22)
A wife is a blessing. And yet here in this sad house in Jerusalem, things have badly gone off the rails. And there's one hen pecked husband who's not quite so convinced he's found favour with anyone. His wife is clearly frustrated. And she says so. Over and over again. Always ready for a fight at the slightest provocation.. In fact, you meet this wife so often in Proverbs it's almost a refrain.
In fact, I wonder if you can spot the similarly between these three Proverbs on the screen. Proverbs 21:9, 19, 25:24
It's better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (21:9)
It's better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill tempered wife (21:19)
It's better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Prov 25:24)
It's like living in a constant episode of Keeping up Appearances, that old English comedy with Mrs Hyacinth Bucket. Pronounced bouquet. And we're told in exactly the same words twice, this guy is on the verge of packing himself a sandwich and living on the roof.
In fact, this kind of wife is so persistent it's like water torture. The constant dripping of a tap.
Proverbs 27 verse 15:
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.
This woman is simply unstoppable. No wonder he's seeking refuge on the roof.
But I wonder if we take a look at the other side of the ledger for a moment. And see maybe what this ancient wife in Jerusalem has got to put up with. I mean, maybe there are reasons for her nagging. Maybe there's a deep seated despair behind her quarreling. That's got something to do with the flagging faithfulness of her husband.
Maybe it's got something to do with Proverbs chapter 30. Which I think is maybe the saddest little saying of all. Proverbs 30, verse 21 to 23. Because what if she's unloved?
See, there are three or four things that make the earth shake. Three or four things that so go against the nature of things that the created order quakes when they happen. Take a look, 30:21:
Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress.
See, maybe at the heart of things, here's a woman who's unloved by her husband. Maybe here in this imaginary house in Jerusalem, there's a husband who's got eyes for the young maidservant... instead of his wife. Maybe there's a bit of ancient Shane Warne syndrome going on. Maybe he's got his eyes on the loose living woman down the road.
And the book of Proverbs is absolutely loaded with warnings about that. Starting right back in chapter 2. Because you see, wisdom, the sort of wisdom Proverbs is all about, will have no part in any kind of adultery. So here's a word to husbands. Lest they be tempted by the available woman; 2:16-19:
[Wisdom] will save you also from the adulteress, from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant she made before God. For her house leads down to death and her paths to the spirits of the dead. None who go to her return or attain the paths of life.
That kind of adultery... leads not only to a very unhappy wife. But ultimately, to death.
Proverbs chapter 5. There's a whole chapter devoted to this same point. Which means it must be important. So I'll read it. It's a bit "R" rated. And if you're more polite than the Bible is, I apologise in advance. But let's read from verse 15 to 23:
Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife? For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.
I trust you get the picture. It's hard to believe, but here in ancient Israel, maybe here in this sad house in ancient Jerusalem, there's a husband who no longer delights in his wife. Who's being captivated by an adulteress.
This man... is a fool.
But while we're peeking in the window, what about the kids?
Because here in this dysfunctional family in Jerusalem, the kids are running riot.. In fact, it must be pretty common around town, because right from the very first chapter, the whole book of Proverbs opens as a Father to Son chat. And the idea is, parents are meant to pass on their wisdom to the next generation. As if it's a matter of life and death.
Because that's what discipline is.
Listen to this...
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope. Do not be a willing party to his death. (Prov 19:18)
It's saying make sure you do what you can. Make sure your child grows up with discipline. Otherwise, you've just abdicated your responsibility. And when disaster comes, you've been a willing party to it. By doing nothing. By failing to discipline.
These parents in ancient Jerusalem, it's like they have to be reminded of the basics. They've forgotten how to discipline their kids. I guess dad's too busy chasing the woman down the road. And mum's too busy complaining. Or else, of course, they want their kids to have the freedom... to discover right and wrong for themselves. Maybe it's a politically correct and trendy ancient Jewish home. With no boundaries.
Here's a word for parents like that from Proverbs 23:12-13
Do not with-hold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod, and save his soul from death.
There's more from Proverbs 29:
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. (v15)
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. (v17)
Mind you, even if they used the stick on the bottom in ancient Israel, they're meant to do it lovingly. And carefully. Which is the other half to the famous proverb you've probably heard: Prov 13:24:
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
What's needed in this house in ancient Israel is parents who care enough to confront. What's needed in this house in ancient Israel is some firm limits. What's needed in this house in ancient Israel is enough love to discipline carefully. And discipline firmly.
But the child left to himself disgraces his mother.
There's no delight here. Because there's been no discipline.
And according to Proverbs, the kids involved... are on their way to an early death.
Now that's not a house in ancient Jerusalem I'd be in a hurry to visit. So let's leave it well in the past. But I wonder this morning if maybe your house has got some of the same issues?
If it does, I guess you've got all sorts of excuses.
And on your way home from church today, there'll be a temptation. If you're a wife, you'll be saying, see, I told you you're like that. And if you're a husband, you'll say, well who can blame me? Because you nag exactly like it said. Why wouldn't it drive me away?
And because of that, you'll excuse your own behaviour. And keep going down exactly the same spiral.
Now the study we looked at during the week was all about the wisdom of listening to a timely rebuke. So if that's anything like your situation, I wonder if you'll listen to these words: Both of you... stop it immediately.
If you're a husband, stop looking at other women. Whether it's the girl at the office who seems always prepared to listen. Or it's the girl on the website you're addicted to. And work hard to rekindle the romance with the wife of your youth. If you don't, Proverbs says you're a fool.
And if you're a wife caught up in the same spiral... how do you think nagging is going to help? I mean, it may be you're an aspirational nagger. Pushing your husband to achieve your full potential. It may be you're a sad and hurt nagger. Driven by the pain. And desperate to get his attention. But you need to stop it. Because it's not working. And it never did. And it never will. It's time to try the way of wisdom instead.
See, if you keep on justifying bad patterns and you're just doing it for payback... nothing changes. Both of you... stop it.
And when it comes to your kids... nagging hasn't helped much there, either, has it?
Proverbs says that undisciplined kids are a disaster. And a disgrace. Our culture seems to say the opposite.
Proverbs says careful physical discipline is an effective way to train your kids in wisdom. So they'll know quickly what's good and right and fair. Our culture seems to avoid any kind of discipline at all. And you just have to look around to know that's leading to all kinds of disasters.
No matter what method you use, the fact is that punishment has got to be punishment. And going to sit in the toy room til you say sorry doesn't qualify. And neither does positive re-inforcement. Because everything isn't good, is it?
I've been reading a book that's a collection of newspaper advice columns by Ann Atkins from the London Daily Telegraph. Here's a letter.
Dear Anne, My four-year old throws toys at his little sister. Buzz Lightyear has sharp edges, so it makes her cry. How can I persuade him to stop doing this?
To which Anne Atkins replies... Smack him.
The next week in the letters page there's a follow up.
Dear Anne. I did as you said, and smacked my four year old for bullying his sister. The trouble is, he smacked me back.
To which Anne Atkins replies, That's why God made you bigger.
Remember as the parent, you're the adult. You're the big person. And your role is, calmly, lovingly, wisely, and very, very firmly... to draw the line.
Proverbs says,
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope. Do not be a willing party to his death.
Proverbs doesn't deal with every problem in a family. But it does have something to say to the husband who's cheating on his wife.
And it does have something to say to the wife who's nagging her husband.
And it does have something to say to parents who don't love their kids enough to consistently discipline.
And that is, stop being foolish. And start putting things back together. One step at a time.
In fact, if you're a Christian family there's meant to be something distinctly like Christ about your family life. And the Apostle Paul talks about it in Ephesians chapter 5. A family model that profoundly exceeds the model in Proverbs.
Because instead of quarrelling with her husband, there's a wife who lovingly responds to him as if he's the Lord Jesus. And instead of cheating on his wife, there's a husband who's loving his wife just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Here's what he says. Ephesians 5 from verse 24.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy... each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
And chapter 6.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord... and Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
So maybe somewhere there's a house like this one. I hope it's yours. A house where there's a wife who instead of quarrelling, asks herself how would I be speaking to Jesus. If he was here. A house where there's a husband who instead of playing the field to gratify his own desires sacrificially loving the wife of his youth. delighting in her; giving himself up for her in a way that's modeled on Jesus. A house where there are obedient kids who respect their mum and dad. Not perfect by any means. But trained and instructed in the Lord. Disciplined... discipled... by a dad and mum who have got the best interests of their kids at heart.